When you Google the definition red flags you get all sorts of explanations. I narrowed it down: A red flag is used as a warning of danger, or it’s a sign stopping you from what you’re doing because something has made the environment unsafe or a traditional symbol of socialist resistance. They are almost all right. Is there actually a difference in definition when we speak about red flags in general or in a relationship? To be honest I think the above mentioned definitions are spot on. Red flags in the relationship are warning signs telling you to stop because the environment has become unsafe. You could also say that the person who is signing the flag is unhealthy for one’s mental health. Perhaps that person is someone who will live their best life, showing the best version of themselves to the world while benefiting of others and even messing up their life. Red flags can come and go in relationships. Sometimes they’re already noticeable in the first weeks of dating, but sometimes they will appear after months of dating or even when you’re already head over heels in love. Not every red flag is as visible as let’s say physical abuse. While diving into this interesting subject and out of the experience from my coaching as well, I’ve learned that a lot of red flags are universal, but the way we experience them is also individual. Must say that there are shades of red as well, going from bright red to peachy orange. Off course a peachy orange one isn’t nice to experience, but it’s not so damaging as a bright red one. Maybe it’s interesting to make a short overview of flags that are signs to run, not walk away, from the realtionship.
Abusive behavior I don’t think this needs much explanation. Any form of abusive behavior is a reason to run. Whether it’s pushing you against a wall, punching you or really hitting. Never accept a person treating you like this. There is no explanation that can ever justify this kinda of behavior.
Manipulation This is away wherein someone is using their skills to create a personal advantage for them and turn a situation in their preferable way. This can be by twisting and turning your words or even creating their own kinda of reality. I will be writing a separate blog on manipulation soon.
Emotional abuse such as gaslighting When someone is under validating your feelings or constantly telling you that the way you’re feeling and experiencing the world ain’t right, chances are you’re a victim of emotional abuse. When you’re feeling scared to express your feelings with your partner because they will make you doubt yourself or belittle you, it’s time to go. Gaslighting is a severe form of emotional abuse with in serious cases can create long term effects on the victim. I will write a separate post on gaslighting as well.
Making themselves the important one The majority of the time they’re talking about themselves; about how great they are, what they achieved, how good they look, what they did during the day, etc… It seems like they are the center of the universe and you’re only there to make them feel satisfied and if possible please tell them how good they actually are. There is little or no space for your story, thoughts and feelings.
Controlling behavior At first this may seems as somehow charming. “Oohh, he wants to know what I am doing. Woow, she shows interest in asking a lot of questions on how my day was.” But if you always getting a second degree interrogation chances might be the person is trying to control you. Their jealousy may even seem cute in the being, but when you have to explain yourself every time, the cuteness will soon disappear. Remember that it’s completely okay to have your life beside your partners life. Your both equal in the relationship. Whatever he/she is doing you’re allowed to do as well.
They lie and cheat As humans we all tell one white lie a day… that’s scientifically proven. Whether we like it or not. But there is a huge difference between a white lie because you want to hide things out of discomfort or shame, or telling a real lie. You also have shades in lies… some people are mastering this skill so well that they can create a whole other persona and second life. Looking you in the eyes and telling you stories that never even existed. When you spot lies make sure that when it’s not a white lie it will happen again. Cheating isn’t only about being unfaithful, but also about gaining an advantage in a dishonest or unfair way.
Insecure behavior A person who is constantly searching for reassurances in you and the relationship isn’t helping the relationship grow. On the contrary, instead of moving forward through the mutual experiences you share and creating a strong connection your significant other is becoming more insecure what will make you feel uncomfortable as well. Leaving you asking yourself how to express your love even more, questioning yourself whether you did or say something wrong or in the end leaving you with the feeling that you don’t have anything to offer them.
This is a brief summary of some major red flags. I am pretty sure that you can come up with some of your own as well. Feel free to leave them in the comments below. It’s always interesting to learn from each other. Maybe a more interesting question could be is how you change when red flags come to the surface. How do you feel? Do you adjust? Do you hide them?
I might hear you think, off course those are red flags and sure you have to run. But my experience is that not everyone is aware of red flags. Perhaps you haven’t learned about red flags or maybe there was no place for your feelings or thoughts in your childhood and you got taught that red flags are just another daily common thing. Must say that creating awareness about this topic is essential. But even when we know what red flags are it’s not always easy to recognize them. In some cases we don’t even want to see them. Why? I think this can be explained by following points.
Incurable romance We crave for love or we desperately want things to work out. We want our potential boy- or girlfriend to be different than what they’re expressing or showing us. Dating isn’t an easy thing to do and you may be very selective during this process. But after a while of trying, being alone… you might meet someone who’s checking almost every box that you’re willing to repaint those red flag pink. You might even tell yourself that your demands are too high and that you should be more common. Asking yourself questions like: “Why am I always so judgmental? Is it really that bad or can I live with it?”. Be aware that when you decide to ignore them it will cost you later.
Putting the responsibility in your hands Maybe I am high demanding, maybe I am just too much, maybe I caused him or her to react like that, … Off course it’s me have you looked at him or her, he is like really handsome, she’s stunning, did you see how clever she is, woow, look at that car, … You focus on all the things that you wish to see in order to make him your prince charming or your hidden Cinderella. While being convinced that when someone is that good looking or bright they will never be manipulative or would harm you. So you must be the reason. When you’re so convinced of that philosophy you will be downsizing yourself to fit in the relationship. After a while you might lose yourself and when the relationship ends you might even wonder who you are.
Some red flags look minor You may create your own summary of red flags based on your own experiences in life, … and that’s okay. But I also think it is very important to be aware of what you’re really looking for in a significant other and long-term relationship. If small red flags annoy you in the dating phase, be aware that they will still be there when the relationship get serious. It will also mean that you will have to deal with this feeling of annoyance. We all strive to find love and connection, but don’t excuse the potential problems because they are not egregious enough. If the issues are nagging your soul it might be suitable to stop the relationship. Remember that when people show you their true colors it really is a reflection of who they are. It’s a part of their personality, that won’t change in the future or by overloading them with love.
Love is a beautiful thing we all crave for as human beings. It’s a primary need just like breathing air, sleeping or eating. But remember that when you experience red flags it’s time to reevaluate the relationship or even just run away. You don’t have to collect flags trying to make the relationship work despite of them. It is okay to let go of a relationship that isn’t what you hoped for. It’s your heart that is at stake, you cannot be cautious enough. To end by, remember that love shouldn’t make you feel bad, doubtful, in pain or hopeless. Feel free to share your thoughts, ideas or even experiences with me. Do contact me if this was recognizable and you wish to know more or need a hand. As a Life Coach I help people overcome codependency. I'll gladly help you through it. As always lots of love, Selina PS: If you like the article feel free to share, but always mention the source.
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