Nowadays we hear so much about narcissism that it almost sounds like a fashion trend. When someone is too selfish or puts a firm boundary they easily get the label "narcissist". The internet is like the holy grail wherein all the treasures around narcissism can be found. Even magazines portrait narcissism as an inconvenience that can be cured throughout the years. It almost sounds like, wisdom comes with the years. Don't even get me started about social media. So much information on a topic that exists for years and yet we're more eager than ever before to paste the label. We're so focused on sharing that the ex is definitely a narcissist or the mother of the children has it too. But why? Does it make any difference in how you experienced it? Don't get me wrong, educating yourself on narcissism when you're coming out of a narcissistic abusive relationship is definitely something I highly recommend. Not only to understand what it is or out of protection, but also to find a way to forgive yourself for things you endured or didn't have the power to stop. But let's establish that there's a huge difference between someone who displays narcissistic traits and someone who's suffering from NPD. So what is it then? NPD stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and as the word gives away, it is a disorder. It is not something we can just paste on people because they behave in a certain way or because they say certain things. It would also be so unfair to just do so. NPD can only be diagnosed by a professional. Which makes it perhaps a bit difficult since a narcissist isn't the type to go and lay on the couch of the therapist waiting for the diagnosis to come. But there're criteria who will help you understand the disorder and it's seriousness.
The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) describes it like this; Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. People affected by it often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or about their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behaviour typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of social situations.
As we can read this disorder has a long-term pattern which is so profound that it will definitely harm people who are close to a narcissist. Before we can be sure that someone is suffering from NPD we have to go over the criteria. There're 9 different ones whereof five to six have to occur. Which means not a trait that arises every blue moon, but more regularly. Allow me to share the overview.
a grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believing that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requiring excessive admiration
a sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
It is not uncommon that children and adults display traits similar to NPD, but it doesn't necessarily makes them narcissists. True symptoms of NPD are pervasive, apparent in varied situations, and rigid, remaining consistent over time. The symptoms must be so severe that they'll make it impossible for the narcissist to develop meaningful interpersonal relationships, not only romantic ones.
As you take a glimpse at the list of criteria, you see that NPD is more than just a tag of selfishness or unavailability of empathy in a person. Someone who suffers from NPD will exploit people, will bring harm, use others in their own advantage, misuse to reach their goals, etc...
The absence of certain skills will make it impossible to develop and maintain relationships not only as lovers, but also with their own children, friends or parents.
Realising that a narcissist suffers from a personality disorder makes it somehow possible to set realistic expectations. Emotional reactions will not have any result. Getting mad will only cost you a lot of energy. Ask yourself the question if you would get mad at a person who's in a wheelchair and cannot walk. You can be frustrated or disappointed as much as you want, but the person will not miraculously start walking. Simply because they don't have the ability. Which is the same for the narcissist. They do not have the ability to be empathic, profound, caring, trustworthy, loyal, kind or vulnerable. We are only fooling ourselves by setting unrealistic expectations. The belief that we will heal the narcissist with our unconditional love throughout time, is one of those big unrealistic expectations because there simply is no cure. Statistics even show us that the dropout range of narcissists in therapy is higher than the ones who actually are in therapy. The only thing left to do is become brutally honest with ourselves by asking what the benefit of having a narcissist in our life has. Choosing to do so will have an impact on you and the quality of your life. Make this decision very consciously. I hope that by reading this article I managed to explain the seriousness of NPD and that you question the plausibility of someone labeling a person with this sever disorder in the future. We are far from perfect and we might even show different traits, but always be careful with putting people in boxes. Feel free to leave your thoughts or remarks in the comments below. If I made you curious about my work you can also check my Insta profile: www.instagram.com/subtle_balance or read other blog posts. As always, ... lots of love,
Selina
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