We already talked about the meaning and existence of codependency in my previous article. But how does someone become codependent? The roots of codependency can most likely be found in childhood and more specific in homes where emotions are ignored or where the child gets punished for expressing it’s feelings.
Because of the emotional neglect the child grows a feeling of shame and low self-esteem. It doesn’t learn how to rely on their own perspective. Let me explain it to you by using a small example: The child sees the parents fighting and asks why do you fight? One of the parents replies and says, we aren't fighting.. just let it go! At that time the kid will take the answer from the parent as the truth and will put their own impression and feeling of the facts aside. As a child you're more vulnerable and depending on your parents (or caregivers), because you need them in order to survive. When this happens you teach a child at a very young age not to rely on their inner compass.
Parents who raise codependent children aren’t filling in their role as guardians possibly due addiction, mental health or own emotional trauma. The line between a child and the adult becomes blurred. Most likely the child learns at a young age how to take care of one or both parents, often siblings as well, and run a household setting their youth aside. Children are programmed to live through others expectations to survive. In order to survive a child will learn a codependent behaviour and will disconnect from itself instead of the unsafe situation and guardians.
This coping mechanism is a persistent pattern that we drag into adulthood, because we don't know better. Unfortunately this behaviour is so destructive and can prevent developing a truly stable relationship. More often you will find yourself in toxic and destructive relationships wherein you will repeat the pattern over and over again. You've mastered the skills of putting your own needs and feelings aside that it has become a habit in your relationship with the world. In the end you will be a shade of the person you used to be, not knowing why you attract people like that.
There is a variety of expressions of codependency in relationships. Let me give you a quick overview of some:
becoming a caretaker
associating love with getting hurt by those who claim to love you
becoming a people pleaser
setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do
guilt is a common and known feeling (even if you didn't do anything)
living in fear
feelings of unworthiness become common
developing or having trust issues
support from others is being experienced as uncomfortable
feelings of loneliness and emptiness
becoming overly responsible and controlling
Do you recognize any of these expressions? Or do you experience codependency in a different way?
In upcoming articles I will talk more deeply about these expressions, like how do they occur, what are the characteristics, how can you recognize them? As a coach I want to make this topic more negotiable and help you in finding your inner strength to tackle this pattern. Make sure to contact me for more information, advice or guidance. Know that you're not alone!
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